I get the occasional email from folks wondering what I’ve been working on lately and where I’ve been, since I haven’t posted here or on Twitter in a long time. And since it’s been 8 years since Escape Goat 2 launched, a lot of you are wondering if I’m still making games at all. This is an update on where I’ve been and a bit of an explanation for why there hasn’t been much news from me lately. Be warned, it is not a particularly positive or uplifting story, but you may find it interesting.
From about 2014 thru 2019, I worked on a half dozen prototypes in order to chase various business opportunities. Escape Goat 2’s poor commercial reception put me into business mode, where not only did I feel I had to analyze the market and pick the ideal genre (or collection of genres), but that whatever I made next had to be a big hit, to make up for last time, and justify this whole career I’d chosen. (If you’re considering going down this road, don’t. Turn around, and focus on making stuff you enjoy, and seeing feasible projects through to completion. This is my advice to my past self, may it be useful to someone out there reading this.)
Though most of my prototypes ended up on the scrap heap, one lead I pursued worked out, and in 2019 I got a publishing deal with a major indie publisher for a prototype I had been developing for around a year: an action RPG dungeon crawler roguelike city builder RTS survival defense game. Basically, a tremendous challenge of a design for anyone, and I made it harder on myself by immediately staffing up an art team and finding myself as manager, producer, lead designer, tools developer…basically everything but art itself, and entered into full production before the prototype was fully fleshed out. We had a very solid 15 minutes of gameplay, but things kind of fell apart in terms of what the mid and late game would look like. While everything was being illustrated, I changed stuff left and right trying to find the fun, and after two years, was just lost in the woods.
We were a year behind schedule in 2020 when the pandemic hit, and that was around the time that I started having increasing problems with energy levels. I was taking full days off because I was simply unable to concentrate. Those days grew to weeks sometimes. Charting my hours worked per month through the year, it was getting continually worse. My team and publisher urged me to take three months off, hoping that would cure the “burnout” and get things back on track.
Unfortunately it didn’t. I turned to modern medicine for help, and after a slew of tests received a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome. If you know someone who has it, you know that it’s worse than it sounds. To summarize, any physical or mental exertion is met 1-2 days later with an extreme loss of energy. In its mild form, which I had in 2020, a 40 hour work week would result in needing to take the next week off. In moderate cases (where I am now), I am lucky to work for an hour a day without being struck by “post exertion malaise”. You can see what sort of problem this would present if you are an indie game developer.
There is no cure for CFS and if you simply keep trying to brave face it and muster the strength to work, do housework, generally live life, you will gradually lose your stamina to the point where you pretty much can’t do anything anymore (severe CFS). I’ve now been in the care of my health provider’s CFS specialist team, who have helped me hold the line and even regain a bit of capability over the last two months (I take low-dose Naltrexone which helps me get rest from sleep, and a beta blocker to keep my heart rate low). The biggest change though is just learning to do more things lying down or reclining. I try to get one 20-minute walk in per day, which isn’t enough to send me into PEM, and staves off the problems that being completely inactive causes.
There are supportive people in my life, but it takes people a while for them to grasp what this condition is. I mean, it’s just in your head, right? It’s invisible and there is no biomarker (yet), so friends and family are going to start with “you just need to get outside and get moving,” “you’re just unmotivated in your line of work,” etc. They don’t mean any harm by it, and some of them will eventually start to understand. But once they do, there’s not much they can do besides express their sympathies. (To be heard and have your experience taken at face value is worth a lot though…)
Probably the most frustrating part of it is not knowing how bad it’s going to get. Have I held the line at one hour a day on average for work/activity? Or is that going to go to one hour a week, and then to zero? The past 24 months has mainly been a steady decline in energy levels, so it’s not pleasant to think of what things might be like next year or the year after. My doctors have said that in their experience, many of their patients have regained some capability through following their advice, medication, and pacing, but they haven’t ever had a patient who’s fully recovered.
One lifeline I have these days is talking with friends who are working on their own projects, and doing what I can to support and encourage them. Even if my development plans are on hold, I still have enough energy to workshop ideas, and any benefit that has to others brings me a lot of satisfaction. Speaking of which, if anyone reading this wants to get in touch, I’m always down to discuss game design, computer science, game audio… I still have a ton of expertise and passion for these things even if I can’t directly make use of them at the moment.
So, we’ll see what happens from here. I’ll post an update for any changes in my situation. Kindest Regards, and best of luck to you in your life and pursuits.
I found your music to Sims Bustin’ Out (GBA) today for the first time, loved every bit of it, and started checking out your other work/bandcamp/etc. So it was surprising to see this was posted today. I wish you the best of luck man, I’ve been hit with some serious health issues in the last few years that don’t seem will ever heal on their own so I know it can be a huge discouragement to say the very least.
But I have faith and hope in God, and am lucky to have a wonderful family that cares about me. I hope the same is true for you, and that you can find the strength to keep moving forward with life.
Your music seems to be a huge inspiration to people, even if it hasn’t led to the biggest commercial career you could hope for. You’ve definitely won a fan in me.
Anyway, I hope you have better news in the future but regardless, I hope you can find peace and know that God loves you and people care about you.
Stay strong.
Thanks my friend. Reading this means a lot to me. Sorry to hear you’re also going through some rough stuff health-wise…life can just be very unpredictable sometimes and we’ve just got to be there for one another, even with small comments like this on the internet. Wishing you all the best as well!
Thank you for the text. If you will open a Patreon or something like this in the future to raise the money for another game, I’m open to help. Take care.
Hello, I only found your website today while looking for the Robots soundtrack, so it’s a surprise to find a recent post made only a few days ago. I wanted to say I remember enjoying the game and soundtrack especially, and even leaving the Henchbot cutscene on so I could listen to their boss battle theme. I understand the burn of feeling like you have to chase opportunities instead of focusing on doing stuff you enjoy, and would offer the same advice to others as you have. I’m sorry to hear that you have CFS, and while I can only add to the sympathies you’ve received, I still want wish you the best of luck in the future and hope the steps you’re taking will help you get better, as well as to thank you for playing a part in my childhood.
I will always remember and treasure your games, Escape Goat 1 & 2 and Soulcaster, as games that have a small place in my chaotic heart. I still do, Even several years after they’ve released, and well after the xbox indie marketplace went offline.
I don’t know what else I could add to that. I wish you well and want you to take as much time as you need. And worse case scenario, if you can’t find any time, then set it back down or think of other ways to occupy your time.
Thank you very much for your reply. I am trying my best to take the time I need, though some days I get very impatient and want to get back to work… it’s a matter of finding the right pace, which is going to take months. Glad you enjoyed my games and who knows, I might have a fifth game at some point..?
You are very welcome, and thank you so much for your kind reply. We’ll see what the future holds.
Interesting idea, though I would want to tie it to some sort of endeavor if I’m taking money… still learning what pace I can operate at which will help me pick the right sized project moving forward. I very much appreciate your support!
Thank you for this update. The struggle to adapt to the professional world of any kind often fails to correlate with mental health, and I think too many people take their health for granted in order to adapt. Sometimes finding a balance seems impossible. I personally work a minimum wage job right now that I have often struggled to find ways to feel comfortable with.
I have always done a lot of creative works pretty much entirely outside of the professional world, but I did have numerous experiences working hard to be professional and decided that in most cases I didn’t want to, mainly because it wasn’t as fulfilling as I thought it would be. But also because the road to that often lead to exhaustion.
I feel I can sympathize with both sides of the argument of how to treat a mental illness, because while I do believe it’s real and needs to be addressed, I also worry often about the side effects and reliance on medications and medicines.
I bet at some point, in whatever form, you’ll end up creating yet another great new project whether it be in game development or just in music. You’ve always been an inspiration to me, even though I’m not a musician or game developer.
Thank you. I hope you’re right, and I regain the ability (and find the pace) to create something else. I really miss producing stuff to show to the world. I could talk at length about medications for mental health, having gone through a gauntlet of them over the years– some have worked wonders for me, but only for a period. And most are just negative side effects. You have to do so much experimentation to find the right thing. I’m very fortunate that the meds I am taking for CFS have worked well (for what they’re supposed to do) with no side effects… much more reliable and straightforward than psychoactive meds, in my experience at least.
It definitely changes things to move from hobby to profession with something you love. It’s great to use your talents and ideally make more than you would make normally, and there is enjoyment to be found along the way for sure. But it’s also a bit of a deal with the devil, because the pure innocence of creation is discolored by the outside influence of money. When I was a contract composer, I embraced this and treated each project as a problem-solving puzzle first, and self-expression second. That was definitely the right mindset. With making my own games, that’s much harder, especially being full time and looking at the game as a way to make ends meet.
If you decide to make a hobby into a profession, hit me up for any guidance any time. Either way, I know new opportunities will present themselves to you if you keep your eye out. Best Wishes to you!
So sorry to read of your health issues; I hope with medication and routine you can get back to simply living life to the fullest, whether that involves game-making or not. But if it perchance does allow you to make games: know that there will be many out there waiting to play whatever you come up with. As others have said, your games are treasured. You may never know how much they’ve meant to us – to me – amidst our own struggles in life.
Hey Ian, we corresponded a bit some years back and I even drew the cover art for one of your soundtracks. Today your Soulcaster/Escape Goat soundtracks came up on my playlist as background music I listen to while working on my own creations. On a whim, that made me decide to check online what you’d been up to lately, and I stumbled across this. I’m really sorry to hear what became of your efforts, because you made some pretty cool games. I think you’re right… turning a hobby into a profession is something of a deal with the devil. CFS sounds absolutely awful.
Since you mentioned in your post that just seeing what other people have been working on can be uplifting for you, I’ve been doing some posts about a first-person dungeon crawler I’ve been working on. It’s shaping up to be by far the best game I’ve created (the past ones, tbh, weren’t all that great). I might try to sell it when it’s done, but I’ve been down the same road you have of discovering that turning a hobby into a profession can be really soul-sucking, so even if I do decide to sell it, I won’t be particularly invested in the outcome.
Here’s the website: https://drjstudio.com/blog.php
All the best. It sounds trite, but, “Hang in there.”
James Walker
I get a sense from YouTube comments about the impact I had with my handheld soundtracks, which is nice to know. I’m just a very future-focused, goal-oriented person, so I’m not used to looking back on past accomplishments with satisfaction–just focused on the next thing. I definitely don’t advise this outlook on life to anyone, because stuff can happen that suspends your ability to work towards goals, and you’re not left with much. I am very thankful to have had the opportunities I have with this career in both its phases though (as contract game audio guy and indie developer). Despite all that’s gone wrong with phase 2, I don’t regret taking the plunge and would do it all over again.
Thanks for writing in! I sent an email directly as is more fitting for reconnecting with an old friend 🙂
Hi, I enjoyed Soulcaster and Scape Goat and I am looking for switch versión for my children when have come here to know about you. I hope you get better and can enjoy whatever you do in your life.
Hello Ian,
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had trouble getting your last game out of the door, and I just want to say I especially understand the pains associated with chronic fatigue, as I have a close friend who suffers from something very similar, albeit undiagnosed at this time.
I’m a long time fan of your musical output, especially your GBC and GBA works (and I’m well aware I’m not alone in that). These days, I study video game history as a hobby and do a lot of preservation work, for instance, I’m one of the founders of the Czechoslovak Game Archive project. While I’m a very technical person (reverse engineering Game Boy games is my passion), I’ve been meaning to branch out into oral history, which is a whole other skillset and often overlooked. For a while now I’ve been interested in making an informal interview with you, so I’m happy to see your offer to get in touch! I have a bunch of questions particularly about your Griptonite works. Your contact form on this website is broken, but I’d just like to say if you’d be willing to talk, please hit me up on my email 🙂
Thanks!
Sanqui
Thank you Jose. I appreciate it and am glad to hear your family likes my games!
Thanks for letting me know about the contact form, I’ll have to check that out.
Sorry to hear about your friend. Part of what makes it difficult is that it cannot yet be definitively diagnosed, the way most other conditions can be. They just rule out as many things as possible through blood tests and interviews, and when the fatigue doesn’t seem to come from something identifiable, it’s categorized as CFS/ME. Not sure if it’s available where your friend lives, but you can see if you can find a prescription for low-dose Naltrexone. I’ve been taking it for a few months now, and it helps me get more rest out of sleep.
I’ll drop you a line! Sounds like a fun topic. Best wishes!
Hello Ian.
Some time ago, I sent you an email explaining that during my youth, I played [The Sims: Bustin’ Out] on GameBoy Advance and [The Urbz: Sims in the City] and [Sims 2] on Nintendo DS and that I loved the music that I still listen to today. Thank you for sharing their/your OST on YouTube!
Just last night, in a Twitch chat, I was chatting with a viewer called “Decaffay” (in reference to the character of Marc Decaffay in the French version; in English: Maximilian Moore, the hypochondriac nurse).
When I sent you this email, I haven’t know about this article yet.
I am very sorry for your health problems and professional difficulties.
I’m just a simple gamer, but I have some idea of how difficult the video game industry must be, especially in this age of overconsumption. So few games and developers succeed. I wish you, honestly, to succeed one day, to come to the end of all your projects.
Every once in a while I revisit this blog, curious whether there may be any news – and I genuinely hope you can wrangle the CFS beast to at least be more manageable for yourself. I wish you the best of luck
I’ve been pondering if I could add anything useful here since a while, but not really much comes to mind. I still consider Escape Goat 2 the best puzzle platformer I’ve ever played, and I’d be more than happy to just talk about game design in general. I’ve been more of an observer than anything in terms of “good game design”, so I’d be happy to hear your take(s) on it
Your checkin was a good prompt for me to write a post! I didn’t get into game design at all, but that would be a good topic to write about. I might need it narrowed down a bit. I think my mind has been more focused on game production lately, especially the concept of how to see something as impossible as a video game through to completion, whether you’re working alone or on a team.
Thank you for writing in again, and for your support. The industry is definitely full of pitfalls, and I’d love to write more about advice I would have given my past self at various stages of my career, in case newcomers are walking into those same traps. I think the main pitfall that derailed me after my fourth game was becoming hyper-focused on the commercial success aspect of game development, which made me take on ever-increasingly complex designs, and I eventually collapsed under the weight of it all. I think I *could* have completed my current project if my health didn’t fail me, but it was such an ambitious project that it was relying on virtually everything to go right along the way.