Second Update of 2022: CFS, The Tracker, Pacing

Stream of consciousness post incoming!

For the last six months, nearly every day I wonder if today’s going to be the day I post an update here. Some of you may be wondering what’s been going on with me. Am I still making games? Am I still making anything? That fatigue thing, is it better, worse, or the same?

It’s not for lack of interesting topics for me to get into. It’s just an energy thing. I have this high standard for myself for communication, and most days I simply don’t feel capable of writing. My friends with whom I correspond me via email know all about my “reply to everyone” festival that happens only a couple times a month.

So, how is chronic fatigue treating me lately?

In short, it’s still there. The physical symptoms are slightly better than they were at the end of last year. For reference, I spent most of last year turning down social engagements, and standing for more than a few minutes would rapidly drain my energy. These days, I am able to make it outside every day, do at least a 20 minute walk, and sit at the computer for about 2 hours, and I’ve actually been able to do a bit of coding (more on that in a sec). If there are big social events, I rest up the day before, and usually have a couple recuperation days afterwards. 80% of my average day is lying on the floor mattress watching Twitch or YouTube (or a few months ago, playing Elden Ring). Preparing simple meals is doable, but I don’t cook anything elaborate anymore.

This video is worth a watch if you want to know the latest research. My symptoms aren’t as severe as some of the patients they show, who can’t even leave bed, or struggle to walk around the house. But the story of the officer who went from field work -> desk work -> work at home -> no work… that’s pretty relatable.

For the last year, I haven’t been able to work on my game project at all. Well, I’ve made some brief attempts to redesign things, hoping to make it feasible for someone in my situation to complete. The problem is, game design is one of the most mentally taxing activities for me. There’s something about spending time in the hypothetical realm of imagination: piecing together how each element of the game impacts other elements, planning the project, predicting problem spots that are going to cost me time I can’t afford to lose… one or two of these workdays, even if they are 3-hour days, leaves me floored for a week.

On a brighter note, I have been able to find a workable pace doing application programming for about two hours a day. I’m making a tracker, which is something I’ve always wanted to make. It’s about 10% of the complexity of my game project, and with the right routine, I’m able to make very slow but steady progress on it:

1. Open Visual Studio and Notepad
2. List some of the features or fixes I could work on today
3. Pick one that seems doable given my energy level and interest level at the time
4. Work for two hours, or until I feel tired, whichever comes first

No roadmap, no feature list, no milestones. I have a vision for what it’s going to be, and I just use its current state as the plan. Maybe this is how sculptors work in marble…the proverbial “removing everything that’s not the sculpture” strategy.

The (yet unnamed) tracker is strictly a hobby. It would be great to get it to a point where I can share it with others, maybe even publicly, but I’m not trying to build a business around it. The benefit to me having a purpose to each day. It’s a lifeline.

The cost of working on it is that it takes just about everything I have, so the rest of the day is just recuperating. It gets boring, let me tell you. I have Twitch to keep me company, thankfully, since it’s easier to watch someone else play a game than to play one myself. (For the record, Elden Ring was playable with my policy of saving difficult boss fights for later. I don’t want to talk about Malenia though.)

I’ve had lots of time to think, and there are topics I’d like to write about: reflections on game production for the games I finished and didn’t finish, my experience working in game audio as a contractor, maybe even philosophical topics about how we can sabotage our chances of success by being too persistent with our goals. Not that I have figured it all out, but if I get around to writing about them, maybe they’ll provoke some thoughtful discussion.

If you watch the CFS video to the end, you’ll see that even if the illness miraculously gets the funding it needs, we would still be six years away from some sort of treatment. So I’m gonna be this way for a while, maybe forever. My time making games could well be behind me. I cherish the ability to work on the tracker project, however slowly, and hope I can continue to do that for a while. I’m also very thankful for everyone who’s written to me, either in the comments here or via email. And I am very fortunate to have a loving, supportive partner who is taking care of me, and friends who all just want to see me do better, even if they all don’t fully understand what this is like.

This would normally be the part where I declare my intention of writing posts more frequently than twice a year, but really, I don’t know when I’ll do the next post. Maybe it’ll be about the tracker and what makes it special. Or just a quick note to say hi. (See, I’ve got to lower the bar a bit of what qualifies for a post, to relieve some of the “first post in six months” pressure to make a grand slam.) In the meantime, feel free to drop me a line, and if you don’t get a reply for a week or two, you’ll know not to take it personally.

This concludes this stream of consciousness, non-revised brain dump of a post. Thanks for reading and catch you next time.